Somebody Turned 3!

Our crazy little lady turned 3 last Tuesday the 12th. She proudly says that she is 3. She even told me that, "I sit on this chair when I was 2. Now I sit on it when I am 3." She gets it. I know that when she turned 1 and 2 I posted about all of the things that she is doing. Now that she's 3, I don't know where to begin... 

-She can almost count to 20. 

-Thanks to Dora the Explorer, she can make a damned good effort to count to 3 in Spanish.

-She loves to have books read to her. 

-She tells us she loves us. 

-She says that mommy is best (unprovoked of course). 

-Her current favorite show is Team Oomi Zoomi.

-Her favorite movie is Cars, but she also loves Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
-She sleeps on the floor most nights.
-She's a total pain in the ass to get to do anything when asked the first time or in a timely manner. She will say things like, "In a second!" or "I'm busy!" or "I do it later!" or "I not like that choice!"
-Her favorite game to play is "cars and dinosaurs." It's real great. Someone is a car and tries to get away from the dinosaur who is trying to eat it. Eventually the dinosaur attacks the car and then someone has to be a doctor and the hurt car has to call for the doctor. Then the doctor puts a bandaid on the car. Then you start all over again but switch roles. 

-She still loves to help me cook and do dishes.

-Despite her ability to play by herself, she still prefers someone to play with her. All the time.

-She no longer wears pull ups during the day (it's been a few months), but we're still struggling with getting her to use the potty on her own or tell us when she has to go when she is dressed. Lots of mini accidents if the grownups don't stay on top of it. She rocks out when she's not wearing any pants. 

-Her favorite color is...whatever color she is using or looking at at that time.

-She's a pretty crappy eater, but loves junk food and candy.

-She knows that Hawk is her brother.

-When she sees Lucy she gives her a hug.

-She only gets in and out of her car seat by herself. It's real great. 

-She likes to help scan groceries at the self checkout. And then ride the 1c horse ride after. 

-Every night she rides the "horsey" (daddy) to the "library" (mommy) to read books before bed.

-She sings "Sunshine" with me at night. Instead of singing "You make me happy when skies are grey," she says, "when skies are great."

-Most of her tumbles end in "I okay."

-She no longer says a "p" sound in place of the letters F and Sp.

Exa: Poon = Spoon; Pork = Fork; Pea = Flea (I have a list somewhere. They were pretty funny.)

-She doesn't make me near as F-ing crazy as what she used to.

-She's awesome.

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred more things that make Copper, Copper, but that list will have to do for now. 

We ate dinner on her Birthday at Hacienda, her favorite restaurant. That kid loves salsa!

 We had her party on Saturday the 16th at Rainbow Plays Systems. It's a showroom for outdoor play equipment. The kids loved it. We did a monster theme for the party and I had way too much fun with the idea. Kellie advised me to "Plan like you have a penis." Meaning to keep it simple, but I just couldn't. Sure the kids could care less, but at least I felt the exhaustion and satisfaction of being a good mom. She'll have pictures to prove that I love her. It really was fun and for her first big birthday party, I would say it was a success. 

The added perk of lots of Birthday presents from her amazing friends was quite nice. 

Happy 3rd Birthday, Copper Jo!

Sophia Elizabeth

A friend of mine from Copper's gym class lost her baby last week. She was 20 weeks pregnant. The funeral for her little girl, Sohia Elizabeth, is today. She didn't know anyone who had gone through what she is going through. Now she does.

Julia Ann's funeral is on Sunday.

I personally know 5 women (1 cousin, 3 friends, and myself) who were pregnant this year. Two had healthy babies and 3 lost their babies. None of the 3 losses were in the 1st trimester. 2/3 to 3/4 of miscarriages occur in the 1st trimester. The odds were in our favor.

Julia Ann

I visited a friend in the hospital today. She was scheduled for a C-Section to deliver her full term baby the beginning of this week. On Sunday the baby stopped moving. When they went to the hospital to hear the baby's heartbeat and check on her, the baby was dead. My friend had her C-section on Monday morning to deliver her beautiful little baby girl. Everything was fine until Sunday and then the whole world crashed down around them. You know that saying "I can only imagine what you must be going through"? I really missed being able to use that line. Instead I said, "This is so fucked up and it's going to keep being fucked up for a while." The loss of their baby doesn't necessarily open the wounds of my loss of Hawk, but it makes their pain way too real for me. I hate knowing what they are going through and knowing the decisions that they are being asked to make and knowing how each step in this process of having a stillbirth to burying their baby is going to bring them to their knees at every turn. They have been able to spend these past few days with their daughter. They hold her and caress her and I'm sure when all their friends and family finally leave the room, they talk to her. My friend and her husband are going home today. They are going home without their baby girl. Their pain is unbearable. It's not fair how the odds can be so stacked against one person. Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and she went on to have two beautiful children. She shouldn't have lost her last baby. Aubrey's sister has lost 6 babies. Theses statistics are just so wrong. So much loss is not supposed to happen to one person. She went her entire pregnancy thinking, knowing, that everything was going to be okay. How could it end like this? Tomorrow they will plan a funeral. Soon their little girl, Julia Ann, will be buried in Fairmount Cemetery with Hawk. My friend and I have been pregnant together twice. The first was with her son Jay and I with Copper (the kids are 2 months apart). The second time we both lost our babies. Again they would have been two months apart.

August 17, 2013

August 17th was Hawk's due date. We went to a friend's kiddo's birthday party and then hung out with friends for most the day and had dinner with them. Then we went to see Hawk. The cemetery was pretty buggy so we left after a few minutes. It's weird how time can dull the most extreme emotions. I'm writing this post so I don't forget his due date. It seems like a date that could never be forgotten, but someday I may forget just what day it was that our son was supposed to be born. Now I won't forget.

Dentist

 

 

Copper Jo had her first dentist visit last Wednesday. If you can't tell by this photo taken after the visit, it didn't go so well. We talk about Dr. Vean all the time when we brush. About how proud he'll be of Copper's clean teeth. The dentist is always something that we speak fondly of. The fact that he is Copper's friend Evelyn's grandpa makes it even better. But when Wednesday morning rolled around, she was not excited at all about going. She busted out her "I don't like _______" (fill in the blank) about Dr. Vean. I kept it light and fun. When we got to the office I filled out her paperwork while she looked at a magazine. Dr. Vean came out to say Hi to us while we waited. After the paperwork we went into the exam area where another kiddo (about 8 years old or so) was having her teeth cleaned. Copper sat on my lap avoiding eye contact or showing that she has any communication skills whatsoever while Dr. Vean and I talked and then it was time for the exam. I sat on the exam chair with her while she not so willingly lied down. I held her hands while Dr. Vean tried to pry open her mouth during the screaming. He eventually finished the exam and Copper was able to cling to my neck once again. Her teeth were great! He said we're in the top 5% for cleanliness! There was a little bit of yellowing on the outside of her bottom back teeth so we have to step up our game on brushing those guys, but otherwise all looked good. Her top four teeth fall behind her bottom teeth when she bites down, but that may correct itself when her adult teeth come in. It's not a jaw problem which is good. She got to pick out a bug from the toy chest and one for Evelyn and Finlee who we were seeing later that day. Hopefully she gets her shit together for the next visit.

aka Hawk

Copper has this thing about Hawk's name. It started shortly after he died. She always says "See ya later, Hawk." whenever we drive away from his grave. Then one day she said "See ya later, Hawka." She told me that his name isn't Hawk, it's Hawka. A few weeks later it morphed into Hawkee. Now it's Hawkbert. As we drive away, a little voice in the backseat says, "See ya later, Hawkbert."

Now I Know Almost All of My ABCs

That damn LMNO part still trips her up, but she's doing pretty good. When she isn't belching her "U" it's quite clear.

Now I Know My ABCs...Well, sort of

Quote of the Day

My kid has an interesting poop schedule. She's good for a week and then doesn't poop for a couple days. Then it's always a battle of "You got to get your poopy out." vs "No. I keep it in!" This weekend was no exception. After 2 days of "keeping it in" the urge finally won and she sat on her toilet and took a crap. This is when the quote of the day happened.

Me: "Good job Copper Jo! You got your poopy out! You're a rockstar!"
Copper: "I not a rockstar! I a poop machine!"

"I Copper Jo."

Copper is almost two and a half years old. Over the past month she has become quite social. Her play with Lucy and other older kids has become very interactive. On two different occasions, I've spied Copper introducing herself to other kids at the store. She sees a kid, walks up to him, points to herself and says, "I Copper Jo." So far it hasn't resulted in any lasting friendships or even much of a reciprocation on the other child's part, but it's awesome on her part. We may need to teach her some follow-up questions for the situations when the other child just stares at her. On a different occasion she spotted a couple little girls playing and she joined right in and tagged along. It's really cute to watch. But if any of those kiddos ever hurts my little girl's feelings, I swear I will kick their little asses.

Quote of the Day

"See you tomorrow, Hawk."

 

-Copper Jo

(As we left the cemetery last night.)

Friday

We buried Hawk on Friday morning. It was a hard morning. Maybe not as hard as we had expected though. The funeral went a little different than we were originally told. We were told that we could see him at the mortuary and that we could carry his casket from the car to his site. Those things didn't happen. When we went to place some flowers at his site before the funeral, Hawk was already there. I wasn't ready for that. The funeral director advised us not to see him again. We were okay with this because we really do want to remember him as he was at the hospital after he was born. We are so glad that we did get to see him again that Tuesday. It would have been devastating without that second time to see him and talk to him. We were able to place the book, Goodnight Moon, 3 family pictures (Copper hugging Melvin; Mexico pic of Copper, Aubrey, and I at Tulum; and Aubrey and I holding Hawk at the hospital), and Copper's Beanie Baby Brobee in his casket. We didn't get to be alone with him. We had to share the moment with the funeral director and grave worker standing nearby. It was weird and threw us for a bit of a loop. It's not easy to have plans change for this kind of event. We were mentally prepared for one thing and something different happened. Somehow we managed to roll with it. Copper enjoyed walking around and looking at all the flowers, toys, and gifts that were left at all the other graves around us. Everyone arrived at 11:00. My family: Mom, Dad, Derek, Lisa, Lucy, Drew, and Lia; Aubrey's Mom, his sister Rian, and her son Kai; my mom's good friend Trish; my friends Kellie and Jay and Shelly and Shawn. Shortly after, my mom read a poem. It was hard to hear, but felt so good to hear it. Then Aubrey and I covered his little casket with Aubrey's baby blanket and we watched as he was lowered into the ground and the vault was sealed. Then we left.

We came back later that day to pick up all of the flowers so they wouldn't wilt in the cold night air and to place a ridiculously large pinwheel at his site. This next part kind of cracks me up, but it really made Aubrey mad...When we let Melvin out of the car, he immediately peed on some flowers in the first row and then bee lined to Hawk's flowers and peed on them. I think it's funny/ironic because we chose Hawk's site to minimize the possibility of dog's peeing on his stuff and it turns out that Melvin was probably the first dog to do it.

Yesterday was Saturday. I didn't cry all day. Aubrey, Copper, and I went to Hawk's site to bring him the flowers from Friday and I actually smiled as we pulled up. The oversized orange and white polka dotted pinwheel made me smile. When I walked up to the site, I noticed that a certain someone wrote "Grandma Strong" in the dirt. That made me smile too.

The cemetery has always been a relaxing and serene place for me. Aubrey and I both enjoy visiting other cemeteries when we travel. Even though our tiny baby boy is buried here, it is still a calm place for me.

I think about Hawk all the time. But now it's not with a sense of dread of the shitty things that we had to do all week. Now I look forward to visiting him at the cemetery. There is something about having him buried that has given me a sense of peace about this whole situation. The "calm" moments now outweigh the downs.

Up and Down...Mostly Down

I'm new at this whole sadness thing. I am fortunate enough to never have had to feel a loss of this magnitude before. This was our baby. Even if the only time that we had with him was in my tummy, he was still our baby. We only ever imagined all of the fun things that we would do with him. The headaches that would be caused by having a toddler and a newborn in the house. The mischief that he and Copper would have so much fun causing. We never imagined that we would be burying our baby. On Sunday we planned his funeral. He'll be buried on Friday. This will be the longest week of my like. Last Friday I was consumed with the thought of holding my dead baby. Saturday I was consumed with the thought of planning his funeral. Now I'm consumed with the funeral. There is such finality with being buried. I struggled with that part of my Grandpa's death and funeral. He was going into the ground all by himself. Now my baby boy is going into the ground all by himself. He's not going to live a long and amazing life. His life ended before it really began. He was with us long enough for this loss to be the most painful thing I've ever felt. But it wasn't long enough.

I have moments when I feel okay. I call them my "calm" moments. It's when I'm not consumed with images of him being lowered into a hole. Or hearing the words, "There is no heartbeat." Or remembering the feeling of him sliding from my body knowing that he would not be coming home with us. Or thinking about him alone at the hospital, alone at the mortuary. I have moments when these thoughts do not consume me. But mostly they do.

Today Aubrey and I went to see Hawk at the mortuary and to cover him with my baby blanket. We didn't like the idea that he was all alone and naked without anything personal to keep him company. So instead of covering him in my blanket on Friday, we did it today. He is tucked in nicely under the blanket that my Great Grandma made for me when I was born. The hand embroidered image of a kitten covering his tiny fragile body. It was emotional to see him again, but we both wanted to. Soon all we will be able to see is a small rectangle of freshly filled dirt. I hate the idea of him being alone. It just doesn't seem right. It isn't fair. He should be safe in my tummy, dancing and kicking and thrashing around. He should be waiting until he is ready to be born in August.

I am dreading Friday. But I wonder if after Friday that maybe I'll have more "calm" moments. Actually, every day I wonder if the next day I will have more "calm" moments. So far it hasn't worked that way. Like I said, I'm new at this whole sadness thing. I don't know how it works or how long it will last. It's not something I can check of my list of things to do. When I read Copper stories at night and sing her songs after she's tucked into bed, I do everything in my power to not be consumed by sadness that I cannot and will not ever do this with Hawk. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes the quiver in my voice gets the best of me.

 The blanket that I was tucked into bed with as a baby and carried all over the house as a toddler. It was my constant companion as I sucked my thumb. My mom always kept it clean and I always remember that clean, laundered, fresh smell. Now it will be Hawk's constant companion. There to always keep him warm. 

Hawk Godwin

"I have bad news." Then Dr. Barbera started an unbelievably long pause. The first thought that ran through my head was, "this is a pretty fucked up kind of joke in the ultrasound industry...they wouldn't joke like that...". Then he placed his hand on my leg and I lost it as he finished his thought with, "There is no heart beat." Aubrey was at my side in a flash. 

On Friday I was 21 weeks and 6 days pregnant. We scheduled my ultrasound that day because a doctor came into the birthing center twice a month to do ultrasounds. Friday, April 12th was one of his days. I had my "20 week" appointment immediately before the ultrasound at 2:30. At that appointment I was informed that all of my lab work came back great and my blood pressure was low as usual. We discussed the baby's irregular movements over the past couple weeks and was again reassured  that babies at this age do not always move around every day and it's not always consistent. (I had called Monday morning and was told not to worry and to come in any time to hear the heartbeat. I said I'd just see them Friday.) Copper was doing back flips a few hundred times a day by this point without fail when I was pregnant with her. Every pregnancy's different, right? I had felt (thought I felt anyways) the baby move mildly, but regularly, on Monday and Tuesday, but not really since then. I hadn't felt much movement for about 5-6 days prior to that. Maybe it wasn't the baby moving on those days. The nurse got out the little heartbeat machine and spent a couple minutes looking for the heartbeat. She couldn't find it. No big deal. We were heading down for the ultrasound next anyways. We'd hear and see it then. 

The doctor got started and quickly informed me that there was only one baby. We joked about how he knew he always had to say that first. Then came a clear image of the baby's head and part of the body. He stayed on that image a long time without saying anything. Then he said the worst thing possible. That was it. Our baby was dead. The baby measured around 19 weeks and few days. It had a lot of fluid around the brain and abdomen. The doctor said that this late in the game, the baby probably had Downs or another severe chromosomal defect such as Trisomy 21 that made the pregnancy non viable. (I know that I felt the baby move after 19 weeks. Maybe he was just small because of the complications?) The doctor showed us his heart. The little black spot on the screen that wasn't moving. We went into that ultrasound merely to see if we were having a boy or a girl. With hopes that we'd see a little penis. We didn't find out the sex. 

The midwife came down and we talked about what happens next. Then we went back up to the birthing center's main exam rooms and waited as arrangements were made for me at Swedish Medical Center to be induced. I was scheduled for 10:00 pm that night. I couldn't get the thought of holding my dead baby out of my head. This was going to be too hard. Aubrey and I drove home, packed up Melvin and Copper's overnight bags and headed to my parents to drop everything off. Copper was already there playing with Lucy while we had our appointments. We stayed awhile and then headed home to "relax" a bit before heading to the hospital. 

We checked in at 10:00. I had to say that I was scheduled to be induced and that I was 22 weeks pregnant. After 3 attempts at getting an IV started in my dehydrated veins (apparently I was a bit negligent about my water intake that day) I was given my first high dose of Cytotec, 2 Tylenol, and a half dose of Ambien at 12:30 am. Aubrey curled up to sleep on his pull out twin bed while I lay on the hospital bed. We both were able to sleep. I better than him. We were woken at about 5:00am so I could get my second dose of Cytotec and two more Tylenol. We went back to sleep. During both of those segments I woke up once each time with mild cramps and shaking a bit from being cold. Otherwise I slept. The doctor came in about 8:15 am to let us know that we'd be doing one more round of Cytotec around 9:00. After he left I got up to pee and then the cramps started. I then got my third dose. I was dilated to 1cm. The midwife on call at the birthing center came to visit then. We talked for a bit, she gave me an herbal recipe to help dry up my milk when it came in, and the name of a support group. I was allowed to eat so Aubrey and I ordered room service. I had pancakes and potatoes. Aubrey had an omelet. They were okay.

The cramps worsened over the next couple hours and were eventually paired up with diarrhea. These cramps were constant and never stopped. I still didn't have any contractions. Around 11:00am Aubrey called the nurse in to get my epidural. I was breathing through the pain, but there was no break and it was only getting worse. If I still had contractions to deal with, there was no way I wanted to continue to breathe through it. The nurse arrived and she confirmed that yes, I would still have contractions later so we talked epidural. I wanted to see how far dilated I was, but she said that she'd look after the epidural when I was more comfortable. I lay back on the bed and breathed. The anesthesiologist came in and I put on the hospital gown.  I sat on the bed cross legged and got prepped for the epidural. Shortly after sitting down, I felt an immense pressure and a drop. The cramping stopped, but this intense pressure remained. I felt like I was holding in a very full bladder. I expressed this and they finished the epidural. I went to lay on my side and our little baby slid right out. This was going to be the worst part of the  whole experience. We were going to hold our dead baby. I did one little push and everything was out. They took the baby out of the sack and cut his umbilical cord and cleaned and wrapped him. Then he was in our arms. 

Our little baby boy. Aubrey and I sat together on the bed for over two hours holding our baby in our arms. Looking at his hands and feet; fingers and toes. His eyes that were just beginning to open that reminded me of kittens a few days after they are born. We looked at his flat little nose and ears. His lips and tongue that showed between them. His little nipples and his little penis. His round belly and skinny arms and legs. His whole body a tiny jello mold of the baby we were planning on holding in mid August.

Hawk Godwin was born on April 13, 2013 at 11:27 am. He weighed 6.8 oz and was 9 inches long. He just turned 22 weeks old. 

Holding Hawk was the best part of this whole experience. We got to see and touch our baby. After the tears stopped, Aubrey and I both felt a sense of calm about everything. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to either of us, but we felt okay. We were holding our baby. Nothing was going to change the fact that nature dealt him a shitty hand and he was forced to fold early. But the baby that had been moving in my tummy that we loved from the day he was conceived was in our arms. So this is what closure feels like. Who knew. 

The only profile shot we took. Right before we headed to the hospital. 

21 weeks and 6 days. 

Now we're home. The emotions come and go. I'm at peace one minute and crying the next. We spent this morning at Fairmount Cemetery picking out a casket, plot, and grave marker. Each piece of his burial a painful step in this nightmare. Hawk's new home will be in "Baby Land" at Fairmount. I've ran and walked by this area over a hundred times. Each time thinking about how hard that must be to bury a child, but always having the benefit of detachment. We chose a site as close to a tree as possible and four rows back so the chances of dogs like Melvin peeing on him is minimized. Fairmount is a beautiful old cemetery close to our house that my mom and I both love to spend time at. My relationship with the cemetery will be different now, but it's a good place for Hawk. Someday he will come to rest with Aubrey and I, but until then he will rest with the other babies that also left this world way too early.

We will have a very informal gathering at the cemetery on Friday morning at 11:00am. Aubrey and I will get to see him one last time. We will wrap our old baby blankets around his tiny body. We will place photos of us, his mom, dad, and sister, with him. We will give him one of Copper's stuffed animals to sleep with. We will drape his casket in one of Copper's blankets. Then we will bury our little baby boy.

16 weeks

Nope. You will not see any profile belly shots until I am huge. Baby #2 is showing in ways that I'm still struggling to accept. I put on a pair of full panel pants the other night and damn they were comfortable. (Granted, it was after a huge meal of Mexican food.) I didn't wear them though. I'm only 16 weeks goddammit! I can't wear full panel pants until, like, 7 months or something. That's how it was with Copper. I look like I'm 5 months pregnant. I've gained about 9 pounds, but it looks more like 20. Everyone tells me that your tummy just pops right out with #2 and they're not joking. Such a weird phenomenon. At least the "chubby" phase is shorter since there's an obvious baby bump showing already. My sucked dry, pancake, barely A cup boobs are now up to a B cup! That's kind of exciting. I thought they were gone forever. I'm still pretty tired at night. I remember being super lazy and tired in the 1st trimester with Copper, but it seemed as soon as the 2nd trimester started I had all my energy back and could stay up late-ish again. Not this time. I'm still tired. In bed every night before 10 completely exhausted. I am going for another puke-free pregnancy. So far so good. I still feel a little sickish when I get hungry, but not really nauseous. That's a bit different from #1 where I would feel really nauseous when hungry. I'm trying to schedule my ultrasound for April 12th at 21 weeks (it will be the same day as an appointment). That will be the big day when we find out what we're having. Aubrey really wants a boy, but I actually feel kind of indifferent. Another girl could be fun to have the whole sister thing going, but a boy would be nice too. We'll just have to wait and see.

Napping

Copper has mostly quit napping at a reasonable hour. It pretty much ended when she got off the boob since that was my main way of putting her down for nap. Naps at work are non existent and we're shooting about 60 percent at home. On the drive home from work around 5 is Copper's favorite time to sleep. That's when she is finally really tired. Today she seemed tired so I tried putting her down around 2:30, but she just got up and explained, "Not tired yet". That was that. It's now about 5:30 and Copper put herself down for a nap. She came into the kitchen about 10 minutes ago and said, "Tired now". I just checked on her and sure enough she is in bed, covered up, has the door closed, and is sleeping. Aubrey and I don't really care for late naps because it means that she is up until 9 or 10 wanting our attention. We prefer 7:30-8 bed time. After she's down it is our veg out-TV time. Mama's tired tonight so I may have to wake sleeping beauty up from her precious nap in a few minutes.

Mama, Poop.

We've been half assed working on potty training Copper for a few months now. She's been very receptive to using her toilet, but only uses it when her diaper is off. So, she spends a lot of time naked from the waste down. While she's running about a 75-85% success rate at making it to her potty to do her business, there are those moments when she gets caught up in the moment and well, shit happens.

(Note: No, that is not poop around her mouth. Yes, that is poop on the baby dolls arm.)

Heartbeat

I went in for my 12 week appointment today for my initial exam and to hear the heartbeat. Aubrey was able to join me this time and Copper came with too. At the birthing center, your appointments will have a different midwife at each visit so that you can meet them all since you don't know who will be on call when you deliver. Luckily we had Laura today who had delivered Copper! It was really cool to see her again and for her to meet Copper. It was also a nicer personal experience since she was with us at delivery. It took a little while to find the heartbeat and then we she did, it was layered with my heartbeat. Which was actually kind of cool. Heart rate was at 170 so all is good. My next appointment is in 4 weeks on March 6.

What Are We Getting Ourselves Into?

Yep, I'm pregnant with #2. About 9 weeks or so. It was another easy-peesy conception and now I have the dreaded middle of summer due date...August. Landscaping the back yard may need to wait until next year. August may not be too bad though. I can envision myself lounging on the back deck with my feet up for part of the summer and then doing more of the same after the kid is born for the rest of the summer. (That's probably pretty far from reality though.) I'm still struggling with being super excited about the pregnancy, but that's only because this time around I know how hard it is and how much harder it will be with one already around demanding my attention. Plus there's a pretty good chance that Aubrey will not have 2 months off after I have the kid like he had with Copper. I am constantly reassured that kids are always opposites so that may work in my favor this time around. Copper was tough nut as a baby....and a 1 year old...and a two year old...So I keep expecting #2 to be just as challenging. But maybe this one will go to bed before 1am before it's 3 months old, won't require my constant attention, will take something other than my boob, won't have food allergies, the list goes on. But Copper is a very affectionate little girl that loves her mama and I'm not sure that I don't want those traits in #2. It would be a tough trade off for a kid that is a little more independent than Copper was, but not as affectionate. (Maybe I won't give a shit about affection at that point as long as I can get a little time to myself once in a while.)  I'm sure as time goes on and I start to show and feel the baby kick, I will start to get more excited. Actually, the excitement part will come when I get to redecorate the guest room into Copper's new room. Copper is now getting a sibling whether she wants one or not and they damn well better get along. Having a second kid is not fulfilling a void in me, it's providing Copper with the partner in crime that we feel she deserves. Having two will be fun...some day. These first few years are going to be tough, but doable. Our family will be complete.

Boob

Tonight was the first time in Copper's life that I put her to bed without nursing her first. For the past 26 months, Copper has had boob almost every night. I've only been nursing her for nap time and bedtime for almost a year. Giving up those has been near impossible. She has a very strong association between boob and sleeping. We've tried in the past to have Aubrey put her to bed while I'm home and she has always flipped out and wanted me. So I had just kind of resolved to always put her to bed. Aubrey has been able to put her to bed and down for nap when I'm not home, but ONLY if I'm not home. That isn't very often. Maybe 4-5 times total. I don't have any issues with her still nursing. It would be nice to not have to nurse to get her to go to bed, but to us it's no big deal. It's interesting to look back at my pregnancy and  being a mom and my thoughts about breastfeeding. Early in my pregnancy I thought I would nurse about 4 months or so. The more I got immersed in the birthing center and having a natural birth I knew that I would try to nurse through her first year. Towards the end of that first year (knowing Copper's profound love of the boob) I figured that I would probably end up nursing her till she was two. As two came closer I thought that I would maybe go until she weaned herself. After a major meltdown last night after she fell asleep on the boob and then lost her shit after I pried my boob out of her clenched jaw and she woke up, Aubrey suggested that I try getting her off the boob to make night time a little more "normal." So tonight I told her many times as she was getting ready for bed and while we were reading books that she wasn't going to have boob after reading and that she was going to get in her bed. We finished reading and she asked for boob and grabbed at my shirt. I told her no boob and diverted her attention to picking out some books for in her bed. She fussed just a bit and then grabbed some books. I put her in bed and sang the songs that I always sing at the end of boob time and then I said good night and left the room. That went much much better than anticipated. It's possible that I just may have reclaimed my boobs. Knock on wood.

Aubrey

Copper has learned Aubrey's name and likes to use it. If she says "Daddy" a couple times without a response, then she'll switch and call him Aubrey. It's really cute when she says it. We need to get it on video. Sometimes when he's picking on her, she'll yell "Aubrey, stop! Aubrey, stop!" I love it.

Quotes of the Days

From yesterday:
"Copper Jo hungry."
        -Copper Jo


From today:
Me: "You're a piece of work."
Copper: "Mama piece work."
Me: "No, you're a piece of work."
Copper: "No, Mama piece work."
Me: "No, you're a piece of work.
Copper: "No, Mama piece work."