1 or 2?

Not only does everyone ask Aubrey and I if we're planning on having another kiddo, but we ask ourselves that same question daily. Copper is a very needy child and it's rare that I feel that I have my shit together. So adding another little devil to the mix doesn't always seem like it will make my life better. But that's strictly from a logistical stand point. Logistally, I can't imagine having a second kid. Going to Target with two, getting two ready to leave the house, nursing one while trying to make a meal for the other, going for a hike with two, paying for dinner for four, airline tickets for four, traveling with two kids...it just doesn't sound fun. I think that this is because I'm engrossed in the baby stages of things, when they are very needy and dependent. I know how much Copper requires of my time and I just can't see how I could have enough time for two. Then we have those great days where Lucy is around and Copper finally lets go of my leg and sits mesmorized by her cousin. She doesn't whine or cry or beg to be held. She just watches and tries to play with Lucy. We had Lucy at our house Friday night and for the first time since Copper was born, I thought that it just may not be that bad having a second kid. We went swimming, ate dinner, took a bath, and got ready for bed and it all went super smooth. It was more work taking care of two, but way easier because Copper was always with Lucy instead of in my arms or attached to my legs. Having a sibling, I have a hard time imaging what it would be like for Copper to be an only child. I can imagine what our lives would be like (mother-daughter backpacking trips, traveling across the country molding a pro motocross racer, etc.), but I feel that I would be letting her down by not giving her a brother or sister to play with, pick on, talk to, and grow up with. Derek and I always did things together as kids and continue to do things together. I want to travel and provide a lot of experiences with Copper, but in a way I think that she won't get as much out of those experiences if she doesn't have a partner in crime to explore with. For selfish reasons I would like for Copper to be an only child, for non-selfish reasons I would like for Copper to have a sibling. I have a feeling that the non-selfish side will win the battle, but for now I'm just going to be thankful that I only have to take care of one little devil.

My name is mommy and I have emotional breakdowns

If you couldn't predict from my last post, I finally had a breakdown. It's only my second major one since Copper's been born. (Kellie and Shelly got to witness my 1st one about a month after Copper was born.) The event that finally set me off, but was merely the icing on the cake, happened while I was dusting the shelves in our living room. As I dusted Copper removed books from the shelves and tossed them on the ground. I told her over and over not to do that and removed her from the shelves about 4 times. I know that it doesn't seem like a very big infraction, but I'm a bit tired and Copper has been very needy lately. So I finally lost my cool. I picked her up a bit roughly but not enough to cause her concern and intended to head to her room to put her to bed since she was supposed to be sleeping anyways. Aubrey saw the expression on my face and took Copper. I then spoke passionately about how I can't ever finish anything that I start, I can't do anything without Copper being right there, I can't go anywhere without her, I can't, I can't, I can't...Some of the root of this outburst comes from the fact that Copper is very needy of me. Aubrey can do pretty much whatever he wants around the house and he never has to worry about Copper because she is always glued to me. The kiddo's with my every day all day, so I get why she wants to be around me, but I need a mother f'in break every once in a while. When she cries I have to hold her, when she needs to go to bed I have to put her down, when she's hungry I have to feed her, when she needs a diaper change I have to change her. That list isn't always on me 100% of the time, Aubrey does help, but it's not too much of an exaggeration. Part of the problem is my own fault because I don't ask Aubrey for help. I'm also so used to doing things myself that I don't give Aubrey the chance to do it first. Like a woman I just expect him to read my mind and do things without me asking. Does that work? Of course not and I know it. Today I learned that I need to communicate better with Aubrey and ask him to be with Copper when I don't want her help emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the bookshelves, washing the dishes, giving Melvin a bath, cooking, peeing, walking through the kitchen, eating my dessert, doing laundry, emptying the litterbox, working on the computer, etc. I need to remember that he is capable of taking Copper to the store by himself, feeding her an entire meal, getting her from her bed in the mornings on the weekends, changing her diapers, picking out her outfits, putting her down for a nap after she refused to go down after nursing (which he did today without me asking him to it), and entertaining her while I do things. I also need to remember that Aubrey is capable of housework and that I don't need to do it all. My next post should be about happier moments. This is a blog about raising a kid and this shit has been hitting me hard this past week.

Note: I am getting a housecleaner starting in February. Cleaning the house is really f'in hard when a 1 year old is clinging to your leg or screaming because you're not holding her. I have many other things that I would rather be doing in my very precious, very little spare time.

My name is mommy and I put my fingers in my ears

For a majority of my time with Copper I am 100% happy. There are times though when her cries make me want to put my fingers in my ears. Not just want to put fingers in my ears, but I actually do it. I don't feel good doing it, but it does dull the pain. I try very hard to be understanding and patient and sensitive. She is only 14 months old (Happy 14 Months today!) and she cries when she needs to. I get that, but it doesn't mean that I can always handle it. I need about 9 hours of sleep a night. Without that, I am not the mommy that I want to be. Granted I haven't thrown her against a wall or violently shaken her, but I have shut down when I'm with her and she is having a fit for whatever reason. Today was one of those days. I'm coming down with something and didn't get as much sleep as I needed last night since Copper woke up an hour early today. Apparently we were both suffering from that lost hour, because she was a super turd today. I'm a bit sensitive to noise and Copper can make a lot of noise. I feel bad when I feel that I need a break from her when she feels that she needs me most. But damn, she can be a little shit. When I'm well rested I make the extra effort to make her happy again. When I'm tired, I make smart ass comments, don't make the extra effort, and long for a few minutes/days to myself. Then as soon as she's happy again I feel guilty for wanting to check out. When I look at her sleeping in the monitor before I go to bed, I can't wait to see her in the morning and spend my day with her. I once heard this story of a woman who related parenting to being on a diet. She said that every day she starts out with the best of intentions, but with dieting she can at least make it to noon. Basically this post is just my way of asking for a couple comments about how horrible you've been to your child, and that really I'm a super mom even at my worst moments. And that my child will not be scarred from my lack of compassion when she is clinging to my leg screaming her head off for no reason other than I'm not holding her.

4 Feet

On Tuesday, December 27, Copper Jo took her first 2 steps. It happened in the kitchen at Aubrey's grandparent's house. She had pulled a small bottle of olive oil out of a lower cupboard and holding it with her little baby hands, she took two small shuffle steps. I don't think that her smile was as big as mine, but she knew what she was doing was something special. Aubrey was at the grocery store when it happened. The following Friday she took 2 real steps of the kind where her feet actually left the ground. That happened in the kitchen at my parent's house. Over this last weekend she took 4 and 6 steps with Aubrey in our basement. Last night she walked over 4 feet. Aubrey, Copper, and I were in our kitchen. I stood about 2 feet away from Copper holding out my hands encouraging her to walk over to me. She tentatively started towards me and then veered off to the right and walked over 4 feet into the dining room. Aubrey and I gave her a standing ovation.

Follow-up to "3 nights...and counting"

Copper officially has a new bedtime routine. She nurses, sits up, gives me a big long hug, points to her bed, snuggles with a stuffed animal, and then peacefully falls asleep all by herself. This is how it is done every night.

Note: There can not be a light on outside of her room or she will point to the bright light coming in the crack of her door. Her humidifier needs to already be started. If I push the "on" button while she is watching she will point to the humidier to touch it. And then all bets are off. She will refuse to go down without a fight.