30 down...10 to go

I'm pretty sure that I will regret not taking many profile pictures for this pregnancy. Especially since I'm hyper convinced that I am WAY bigger this time around than I was with Copper. So this is my first profile shot taken at 30 weeks. Just over 2 months to go (holy shit!). I did see a woman at the grocery store the other day that was kind of built like me and she was way bigger, so I guess there is still more room to grow. When I sit down on the couch at night it just doesn't seem like my belly can get any bigger. I sure hope my boobs don't get any bigger. Turns out that I definitely prefer little boobies to big ones (by "big ones" I mean a solid B cup). So far I have not experienced any swelling at all. Rings and shoes still fit. I've gained about 27 pounds which is more that I was hoping for, but I'm totally okay with it. Knowing that the best diet ever is coming soon, makes the weight gain bearable. (I'm referring to the breast feeding diet, in case you were wondering. It consists of spending large amounts of time on your ass with a baby attached to one boob or the other sucking all of the calories out of your body. It worked wonders after Copper was born. I got screwed after Hawk was born and was forced to lose that baby weight the old fashioned way. Which is why I kept most of it on.) At 30 weeks I'm feeling great. My lower back kills whenever I'm a bit too active, but a day or so of rest usually helps. The little guy is pretty active. I love feeling him move. It is the best feeling ever. All is well.

23 Weeks

I'm pretty delayed in getting this first post about my new pregnancy written. For a while I was waiting for the results of an ultrasound at 9 weeks. Then it was the 12 week appointment to hear the heartbeat. Then the 16 week appointment. Then the 20 week ultrasound. Then I waited because I wanted to post pics from the ultrasounds. I need to stop waiting. Everything is going great! I want to post about when I first started feeling him move (at about 17 weeks, right before the hut hike) and about feeling him move with my hand for the first time (about 21 weeks) and about how excited we were to find out we're having a boy. Yes! It's a boy! It took a little while to have a consistent positive attitude about this pregnancy. Losing Hawk at 22 weeks and then the miscarriage in October at 7 weeks and 2 friends also losing babies in October, didn't leave me with the most confident feelings towards my ability to rock out another pregnancy like I did with Copper. Turns out I'm not invincible. The excruciating cramps that marked my miscarriage last fall, that at the time I hoped were a stomach bug, revisited me at about 5 weeks this time around. Only the cramps were mild. But cramps nonetheless. Those mild cramps really messed with my head. It wasn't just the cramps. My boobs had also let me know that I was pregnant and the 2 weeks following the cramps, my boobs quit hurting. While I normally don't see the midwife until 12 weeks I went ahead and scheduled an ultrasound with my dead baby doctor (called that because he was the doctor that delivered Hawk and the doctor that gave us the news about my miscarriage) at 9 weeks. I needed the peace of mind. That ultrasound helped a lot. I didn't need it with Copper or even with Hawk, but I sure as shit needed it last fall (I went in at 10 weeks with serious doubts the baby was alive; I was right) and I needed it even more this time around. That ultrasound went fine. I then was able to wait until 13 weeks to see the midwife. After listening for a heartbeat for a whole 10 seconds, she also did an ultrasound. That ultrasound also went just fine. 16 week appointment found heartbeat quickly. 20 week ultrasound went amazing. The doctor talked about every part of the baby and every part looked great. It was quite clear that we're having a boy ;) 20 week appointment at 21 weeks also went we'll. Our little man moves everyday. I need that. Hawk stopped moving. No matter how many people tell you it's normal for the baby to not move everyday around 20 weeks, I need this kid to move everyday. Multiple times a day. He's been doing a good job at keeping me calm. So now I'm just shy of 23 weeks and feel pretty damn good about this pregnancy. I know that shit can go wrong, but I don't go there. I'm working on moving Copper's room so the baby has his room ready. At this point I'm  trying my best to treat this pregnancy like I didn't just lose two babies last year. I'm excited, Aubrey's excited, and Copper's excited. Last year put this pregnancy in perspective for me. I'm not concerned about how our lives will be affected by 2 crazy kids. I'm just excited to be having the second child that we've always wanted. I'm not have feelings of "what are getting ourselves into?" I'm having feelings of excitement and joy and love. I'm having feelings of relief. Everything is going to work out. We're going to have a boy. Copper is going to be a big sister. No more trying. This is it. It is good.

Quote of the Day

"When the sun sets at night it goes underground."

-Copper

It was really cool listening to Copper make sense of the world around her. This wasn't something we had ever talked about, she just brought it up in the car yesterday morning. 

Sneaky Little Shit

The other morning Copper asked me if she could use her iPad. I told her, "No. I'd rather you go play." She said, "Okay, mommy" and skedaddled off to her room. Presumably to play. A while later I walked by her closed bedroom door and asked what she was up to. She responded, "Nothing" in a very sweet and innocent voice. Then I heard the sound of one of her iPad games. So after I told her to go play, she went to the cabinet, pulled out her iPad, walked to her room, shut the door, and sat down to play. Sneaky little shit.

1 Year

April 13th was Hawk's "Birthday." I put that in quotations, because I guess it's not your typical Birthday. It is the day he was born, but he had been dead for a couple weeks. And it's not the day he supposed to be born. But technically, since it is the day he was born, I guess it's his birthday. We brought out a couple small balloons to the cemetery, but it was snowing and blowing pretty hard, so we didn't put much out. I had spent the week prior painting and working on our dining room (and dealing with a foundation issue) and that weekend Aubrey and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary downtown. The day didn't hit us very hard. We've been busy. Two people brought us flowers and Aubrey's sister had a bracelet made for me with Hawk's name and birthday on it. People remembered his birthday without us saying anything about it. I was surprised at how thoughtful people can be. A year ago, we went through the most traumatic and emotional event of our lives. But we came to terms with it a long time ago. I wasn't apprehensive about the date coming up or how I would feel when it came. Hawk's death is what it is. We're okay. We're good even. We have an amazing little girl who makes us appreciate what we do have every single day. Yes, we wish Hawk was here, but he's not. We're glad that we had him as long as we did and that we can "celebrate" his "Birthday."

Hawk's Stone

Aubrey and I wanted to design Hawk's stone and not just pick a generic image. So it took us about 7 months to finalize a design. When it finally came in, it was wrong and had to be sent back and fixed. Now it is in for good and we love how it turned out. Our initial thoughts were to have an image of Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba or maybe a dirt bike. Something that was kid friendly and of interest to us. Luckily we took our time with it and came up with something more meaningful. The two trees symbolize Aubrey and I as a sort of protection. The saying, "See Ya Later, Hawk" is from Copper. Now our little man has his cemetery name tag.

(Copper loves dumping sand into all the grooves. It's real great.)

View from the Sidelines

Copper started the preschool aged gym class this January. That means no more parent tot classes for us. I am now one of the bleacher moms that sits and chats while their child happily participates in class. I admit that I miss being with her and seeing up close all the cool gym class stuff she does. But I also like watching from afar while she lets the coach help her with a new skill. (She never let the coach help when I was around. It was always, "No! Mommy help.") She listens well and does what she is told. She does great without me. The other day her group walked right in front of the bleachers on their way to the balance beams and she waved and said "Hi" to me as she walked by. She makes me smile.

(She's  on the right with the yellow shirt and striped pants.)

Christmas in Baby Land

1st Day of School

Copper Jo had her 1st day of school on Wednesday! I had 5 glorious hours kid free. We had originally planned on starting her in school back in August because we were expecting a baby, but when that fell through, we didn't really feel the urgency to get her in. As time went on and she kept getting older, it really made sense to find something for her that let her play with other kids and have a little school style structure (and get her away from the television for an extended time). We only wanted her to go two half days a week and that turned out to be a little hard to find. Montessori schools do half days, but it's 5 days a week and costs a pretty penny. Other schools didn't have a spot available and others were too expensive. Then I came across Kidzapalooza. It's about a mile from our house, had spots available, was inexpensive, and offered complete flexibility. After a tour I deemed it acceptable for my child. Copper liked it too. It's not too fancy and I don't expect a huge amount of learning (it really is more of a day care, than a school), but that's okay. She's 3. This fall she'll start Preschool and then the real learning can begin. I dropped her off about 10:00 on Wednesday morning, just after snack and right before "Circle Time." She had no problem with me leaving and was making a block tower as I said my 10th good-bye to her. I was a little sad leaving her. I didn't want to walk away from her classroom. It was the first time I'd left her with strangers. However, that sadness seemed to quickly ware off as I ran some kid free errands and then worked from a kid free home. I picked her up about 3:30, just after afternoon snack. She had a great day. No problems. She didn't eat any of the school's lunch, but that was somewhat expected. I'll have to start packing them from now on. She was happy to see me and even told me she missed me. Transition to school was a success!

Santa Claus - Creating New Traditions

Aubrey and I decided that this was the year to figure out what our Christmas Tradition was going to be. Much like how I grew up, Christmas will most likely always be spent out of town. We'll have our personal family Christmas before we leave for Texas and those gifts will be from Aubrey and I. We decided that we will have fun with Santa Claus and put a little magic in Christmas. So Santa will come to wherever we are on Christmas Eve night while Copper is sleeping and deliver one present to her. It won't be the best or most expensive gift. That will be reserved to come from her most awesome parents. But it will always be a gift that she has asked for. This year it was a Lalaloopsy Doll. On Christmas Eve night Copper put out some cookies that we made and a glass of milk for Santa.  Sure enough there was a special gift waiting for her under the tree in the morning. It seemed to freak her out a little. Not too sure she quite understands the complex story of Santa and his travels.

Somebody Turned 3!

Our crazy little lady turned 3 last Tuesday the 12th. She proudly says that she is 3. She even told me that, "I sit on this chair when I was 2. Now I sit on it when I am 3." She gets it. I know that when she turned 1 and 2 I posted about all of the things that she is doing. Now that she's 3, I don't know where to begin... 

-She can almost count to 20. 

-Thanks to Dora the Explorer, she can make a damned good effort to count to 3 in Spanish.

-She loves to have books read to her. 

-She tells us she loves us. 

-She says that mommy is best (unprovoked of course). 

-Her current favorite show is Team Oomi Zoomi.

-Her favorite movie is Cars, but she also loves Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
-She sleeps on the floor most nights.
-She's a total pain in the ass to get to do anything when asked the first time or in a timely manner. She will say things like, "In a second!" or "I'm busy!" or "I do it later!" or "I not like that choice!"
-Her favorite game to play is "cars and dinosaurs." It's real great. Someone is a car and tries to get away from the dinosaur who is trying to eat it. Eventually the dinosaur attacks the car and then someone has to be a doctor and the hurt car has to call for the doctor. Then the doctor puts a bandaid on the car. Then you start all over again but switch roles. 

-She still loves to help me cook and do dishes.

-Despite her ability to play by herself, she still prefers someone to play with her. All the time.

-She no longer wears pull ups during the day (it's been a few months), but we're still struggling with getting her to use the potty on her own or tell us when she has to go when she is dressed. Lots of mini accidents if the grownups don't stay on top of it. She rocks out when she's not wearing any pants. 

-Her favorite color is...whatever color she is using or looking at at that time.

-She's a pretty crappy eater, but loves junk food and candy.

-She knows that Hawk is her brother.

-When she sees Lucy she gives her a hug.

-She only gets in and out of her car seat by herself. It's real great. 

-She likes to help scan groceries at the self checkout. And then ride the 1c horse ride after. 

-Every night she rides the "horsey" (daddy) to the "library" (mommy) to read books before bed.

-She sings "Sunshine" with me at night. Instead of singing "You make me happy when skies are grey," she says, "when skies are great."

-Most of her tumbles end in "I okay."

-She no longer says a "p" sound in place of the letters F and Sp.

Exa: Poon = Spoon; Pork = Fork; Pea = Flea (I have a list somewhere. They were pretty funny.)

-She doesn't make me near as F-ing crazy as what she used to.

-She's awesome.

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred more things that make Copper, Copper, but that list will have to do for now. 

We ate dinner on her Birthday at Hacienda, her favorite restaurant. That kid loves salsa!

 We had her party on Saturday the 16th at Rainbow Plays Systems. It's a showroom for outdoor play equipment. The kids loved it. We did a monster theme for the party and I had way too much fun with the idea. Kellie advised me to "Plan like you have a penis." Meaning to keep it simple, but I just couldn't. Sure the kids could care less, but at least I felt the exhaustion and satisfaction of being a good mom. She'll have pictures to prove that I love her. It really was fun and for her first big birthday party, I would say it was a success. 

The added perk of lots of Birthday presents from her amazing friends was quite nice. 

Happy 3rd Birthday, Copper Jo!

Sophia Elizabeth

A friend of mine from Copper's gym class lost her baby last week. She was 20 weeks pregnant. The funeral for her little girl, Sohia Elizabeth, is today. She didn't know anyone who had gone through what she is going through. Now she does.

Julia Ann's funeral is on Sunday.

I personally know 5 women (1 cousin, 3 friends, and myself) who were pregnant this year. Two had healthy babies and 3 lost their babies. None of the 3 losses were in the 1st trimester. 2/3 to 3/4 of miscarriages occur in the 1st trimester. The odds were in our favor.

Julia Ann

I visited a friend in the hospital today. She was scheduled for a C-Section to deliver her full term baby the beginning of this week. On Sunday the baby stopped moving. When they went to the hospital to hear the baby's heartbeat and check on her, the baby was dead. My friend had her C-section on Monday morning to deliver her beautiful little baby girl. Everything was fine until Sunday and then the whole world crashed down around them. You know that saying "I can only imagine what you must be going through"? I really missed being able to use that line. Instead I said, "This is so fucked up and it's going to keep being fucked up for a while." The loss of their baby doesn't necessarily open the wounds of my loss of Hawk, but it makes their pain way too real for me. I hate knowing what they are going through and knowing the decisions that they are being asked to make and knowing how each step in this process of having a stillbirth to burying their baby is going to bring them to their knees at every turn. They have been able to spend these past few days with their daughter. They hold her and caress her and I'm sure when all their friends and family finally leave the room, they talk to her. My friend and her husband are going home today. They are going home without their baby girl. Their pain is unbearable. It's not fair how the odds can be so stacked against one person. Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and she went on to have two beautiful children. She shouldn't have lost her last baby. Aubrey's sister has lost 6 babies. Theses statistics are just so wrong. So much loss is not supposed to happen to one person. She went her entire pregnancy thinking, knowing, that everything was going to be okay. How could it end like this? Tomorrow they will plan a funeral. Soon their little girl, Julia Ann, will be buried in Fairmount Cemetery with Hawk. My friend and I have been pregnant together twice. The first was with her son Jay and I with Copper (the kids are 2 months apart). The second time we both lost our babies. Again they would have been two months apart.

August 17, 2013

August 17th was Hawk's due date. We went to a friend's kiddo's birthday party and then hung out with friends for most the day and had dinner with them. Then we went to see Hawk. The cemetery was pretty buggy so we left after a few minutes. It's weird how time can dull the most extreme emotions. I'm writing this post so I don't forget his due date. It seems like a date that could never be forgotten, but someday I may forget just what day it was that our son was supposed to be born. Now I won't forget.

Dentist

 

 

Copper Jo had her first dentist visit last Wednesday. If you can't tell by this photo taken after the visit, it didn't go so well. We talk about Dr. Vean all the time when we brush. About how proud he'll be of Copper's clean teeth. The dentist is always something that we speak fondly of. The fact that he is Copper's friend Evelyn's grandpa makes it even better. But when Wednesday morning rolled around, she was not excited at all about going. She busted out her "I don't like _______" (fill in the blank) about Dr. Vean. I kept it light and fun. When we got to the office I filled out her paperwork while she looked at a magazine. Dr. Vean came out to say Hi to us while we waited. After the paperwork we went into the exam area where another kiddo (about 8 years old or so) was having her teeth cleaned. Copper sat on my lap avoiding eye contact or showing that she has any communication skills whatsoever while Dr. Vean and I talked and then it was time for the exam. I sat on the exam chair with her while she not so willingly lied down. I held her hands while Dr. Vean tried to pry open her mouth during the screaming. He eventually finished the exam and Copper was able to cling to my neck once again. Her teeth were great! He said we're in the top 5% for cleanliness! There was a little bit of yellowing on the outside of her bottom back teeth so we have to step up our game on brushing those guys, but otherwise all looked good. Her top four teeth fall behind her bottom teeth when she bites down, but that may correct itself when her adult teeth come in. It's not a jaw problem which is good. She got to pick out a bug from the toy chest and one for Evelyn and Finlee who we were seeing later that day. Hopefully she gets her shit together for the next visit.

aka Hawk

Copper has this thing about Hawk's name. It started shortly after he died. She always says "See ya later, Hawk." whenever we drive away from his grave. Then one day she said "See ya later, Hawka." She told me that his name isn't Hawk, it's Hawka. A few weeks later it morphed into Hawkee. Now it's Hawkbert. As we drive away, a little voice in the backseat says, "See ya later, Hawkbert."

Now I Know Almost All of My ABCs

That damn LMNO part still trips her up, but she's doing pretty good. When she isn't belching her "U" it's quite clear.

Now I Know My ABCs...Well, sort of

Quote of the Day

My kid has an interesting poop schedule. She's good for a week and then doesn't poop for a couple days. Then it's always a battle of "You got to get your poopy out." vs "No. I keep it in!" This weekend was no exception. After 2 days of "keeping it in" the urge finally won and she sat on her toilet and took a crap. This is when the quote of the day happened.

Me: "Good job Copper Jo! You got your poopy out! You're a rockstar!"
Copper: "I not a rockstar! I a poop machine!"

"I Copper Jo."

Copper is almost two and a half years old. Over the past month she has become quite social. Her play with Lucy and other older kids has become very interactive. On two different occasions, I've spied Copper introducing herself to other kids at the store. She sees a kid, walks up to him, points to herself and says, "I Copper Jo." So far it hasn't resulted in any lasting friendships or even much of a reciprocation on the other child's part, but it's awesome on her part. We may need to teach her some follow-up questions for the situations when the other child just stares at her. On a different occasion she spotted a couple little girls playing and she joined right in and tagged along. It's really cute to watch. But if any of those kiddos ever hurts my little girl's feelings, I swear I will kick their little asses.